


To Shoulder the Consequences

by suchadearie



Series: Trading for Touch [4]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suchadearie/pseuds/suchadearie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part IV of the Trading for Touch Series: Lily French (Belle) goes back to the pawnshop and has to face the mess she created when she left Mr. Gold at his house after their last encounter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Shoulder the Consequences

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jasque](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jasque/gifts).



She was not sure if that other life had been a dream. No one else seemed to be aware that there was something beyond that dull life that was the same, day in, day out. And she herself had not been aware of it, for God knew how long. Until that one moment that changed everything. The moment when Mr. Gold’s face beneath her had been overcome with bliss, and his bliss had overwhelmed her with a wave of something she could not define…it had ripped her out of a dream, it seemed, opened her eyes to the reality that there were two lives inside her, and the man on the cot under her was not only Mr. Gold, pawnbroker and somehow shady landlord of most of the towns inhabitants, but also Rumplestiltskin, her one true love. And she was not only Lily French, but also Belle.

It had been a rude awakening.

Even more so because Rumple didn’t wake up along with her. He remained Mr. Gold, just like everyone else remained who they were, and Belle – Lily – had no idea what was going on. She had no idea how she landed in this strange place, or how long she was there. She was not even sure that it wasn’t a dream. Or that her past life wasn’t a dream. But time wasn’t moving in this strange place, and no one noticed it. For the longest time – Years? Days? Hours or months? – Lily had had a crush on the pawnbroker. Not that she ever told someone about it, or even so much as admitted it to herself. No, she watched him, out of the shadows of the Flower shop when he came for the rent, or from across the street, and it felt as if she had done that for all her life. From time to time, she went into the pawnshop to browse, buy some trinkets perhaps, and watch him out of the corner of her eyes. She didn’t understand it, didn’t know what it was that made her pine for him, she only knew that it somehow was impossible and off limits. Then came the day when she traded her necklace for his belt. The touch of the leather alone had scratched at that veil that separated her from being whole, had brought back a faint trace of something long forgotten, a smell maybe, of spices and leather and smoke…Then she had kissed him, and at first she didn’t recognize the strange feeling rushing through her. Only when she _took_ him, something ripped through that veil and clarity undid her. _Every curse can be broken_.

So Rumple had broken her curse, or maybe she did that all by herself, but his curse, and the curse of the rest of town, remained in place. She was almost surprised to find that nothing had changed when she left his shop, that the world around her remained still and unmoved when the world inside her was so utterly destroyed and twisted and turned over. In fact, everything remained so quiet that she began to doubt her sanity. How could those memories inside her be real? How could she be Belle, daughter to Maurice, housekeeper to the Dark One, prisoner to the Evil Queen, when she was just little Lily French?

When she went back to Mr. Gold, she tried to make him remember. It was a little awkward, making him kneel before her and do things to her... Lily French had memories of sexual encounters, but Belle had no idea if those memories were real. Neither Belle nor Lily knew if anything was real, so she seized the opportunity and tried to make at least this moment as real as possible. She knew that, regardless who she was in the end, Belle loved Rumple, and Lily somehow loved Mr. Gold. But Belle knew that Rumple had rejected her, and chosen power over her love, or maybe chosen to let his fear of rejection deter him from it, so maybe he didn’t love her at all and his curse couldn’t be broken. Besides, neither Lily nor Belle knew that much about magic or curses; all she knew was that _every curse could be broken_. But how exactly it worked was still a mystery to her. Maybe her attempts at evoking his love for her were clumsy, not the most thought-through ways to make it work. And she knew that she had to be careful. Telling someone that he was cursed and stuck in a place where time didn’t move, tell him that his true self was a glittery monster with an insane giggle was maybe not the best course of action.

But no matter how much she wanted him to see, no matter how hard she pushed, he seemed unable to reach through the fog that clogged his mind. Just like everyone else in this town. And maybe she was wrong. The Rumplestiltskin she remembered had been jittery, mischievous, and brutal at times, brimming with a strange energy, but under all his layers good. Mr. Gold was calm, toned down to meekness, but a certain ruthlessness remained. Although, she was not sure if there even was a real reason for the town to fear him, or if it was just implanted in them…the fear of the invisible monster lurking in the dark. He still believed to be a monster, maybe for different reasons here, or no reason at all.

Seeing her chipped cup in his home, touching it, however, convinced her of the reality of it all. Convinced her that she wasn’t losing her mind, that she _was_ Belle, and he was Rumplestiltskin. And in her euphoria she had pushed him too far. In her need to hear her name from his lips – her real name – she had almost broken him. Maybe that, too, was due to the curse. It took happiness away. Belle knew no one in town, herself included, who was truly happy. Well, with one exception.

After awakening from her curse, Belle didn’t need long to figure out that it all had to be a scheme of the Evil Queen – Regina Mills, the Mayor. She sashayed through town with barely hidden glee, basking in the unhappiness surrounding her like a black spider in its web, delighting in the slow and never ending death of the souls entrapped in the sticky threads of her prison. She was the other reason Belle didn’t dare to speak to anyone. She was also the reason why Belle waited for weeks before she dared to go back to the pawnshop. Not that she had any means to measure time appropriately. The days bled into each other, without making a difference, and maybe the seasons changed, or maybe they stayed the same. Maybe the time didn’t move at all. She was not even sure if Rumple still remembered what had happened between them at his house. Maybe the curse made them forget. But when she entered the pawnshop, and he looked up at the ring of the bell above the door, his eyes darkened, clouding with contempt and hurt, and she knew then that he remembered. At least what had happened in this world.

“Miss French”, he growled, and Belle shivered at the coldness in his voice. It had not been her best idea to sneak out of his house last time, but she couldn’t bear it any longer to look at him and see the emptiness and forlornness where once had been a man.

“Hi, Mr. Gold.” She tried to sound cheerful. But even with all the resolve she could muster, she wasn’t able to ignore the trembling in her voice.

“Are you here to mock me?”

His words felt like a stab with a poisoned dagger, and she had to swallow hard to push back the tears. “I’m here to trade.”

“I don’t like your way of doing business, Miss French. Please leave.”

Seeing the damage she’d done barely concealed behind a thin curtain of rage was even more painful than she had expected. This was the man she loved, the man that once had loved her back, a little bit, enough to chip the curse of the Dark One, the man she had thoroughly humiliated and brought low in order to make him remember.

“I’m also here to apologize”, she whispered, and his face contorted into a snarl.

“For what?”

He wasn’t going to make this easy for her, and Belle felt the urge to leave, to give him his space back and let him live in his relative peace. Maybe it was less cruel than trying to make him remember the life he lost.

“I’m sorry for walking out on you and leaving you like that. I’m sorry for making you do…that.”

“And you think an apology will make me forget the way you humiliated me? The way I see it, you still owe me something.”

At least this was the same. There was always a price with him, and Belle took a deep breath and readied herself to pay whatever price it was he wanted her to pay. She shivered in cold anticipation, and her knees were shaking, but she ignored her fear, hoping that this way, it would go away. “Name your price”, she pressed out through clenched teeth, and he narrowed his eyes.

“Get into the back.”

Belle started to move before she realized what she was doing, and it felt like walking barefoot on broken glass to walk past him and into the back of his shop, his eyes on her cold and unrelenting. She stepped through the curtain, hoping that the curse had not turned him into a true monster, and for the first time she didn’t immediately come to a halt to let him bump into her. Turning around, she waited for him to follow her. She would give him whatever it was he wanted – whatever he needed – to feel safe again. To get over the shock of exposing himself down to his bones in front of her and getting thrown to the ground for it. Because she knew exactly what it must have done to him to find her gone when he came back after changing his clothes. She had broken his trust, she had taken it and broken it into a thousand tiny little pieces, and left him to bleed with the cuts she had inflicted. How could there ever be a way to take that back? How could she undo _this_?

He stepped into the backroom after her and carefully closed the curtain. For a moment he stared at his hands on the curtain, as if he needed to reassure himself. Then he straightened, and turned back to her.

“Take off your clothes.”

Belle closed her eyes and swallowed, trying to master the violent shaking of her limbs. She had taken his trust and destroyed it, and now he tried to do the same to her. In her attempt to make him remember, she had cursed Rumple even more. If this was really Rumple, she wouldn’t believe for one second that he’d truly hurt her, but this wasn’t Rumple. This was Mr. Gold, and with him, anything was possible. He didn’t love her. With shaking hands, she started to unbutton her blouse. She had started this, so now she had to go through with it.

She didn’t look at him, and he didn’t say anything while she took off her clothes, one piece after the other whispering to the ground, until she stood there only in her underwear. When she reached for the closure of her bra in her back, he stopped her.

“That’s enough. Tell me, how does that feel?”

Belle stared to the ground, and she was not sure if she was even able to speak, so tight was her throat. “Terrible”, she choked out at last.

“Exactly.” He paused, and Belle wondered if he was trying to decide how to go on. How to torture her further. She had promised him to return the favor, back at his house, but she was not sure if she could do it if he would ask _that_ of her, now. “Sit down, Miss French. I’m going to make us some tea.”

He left the backroom, and Belle looked around. There was only the cot to sit, and a stool with wheels tucked under his working table. She chose the cot, and the woolen blanket scratched and itched the naked skin of her thighs. When he came back, carrying a tray with a silver teapot and two cups, she had curled up on the cot, folding her arms in front of her chest and making herself as small as possible. Gold placed the tray on his table and pulled out the stool from under it, sitting down in a distance that was far enough not to touch her, but close enough to feel too close.

“So, what are you going to do to me?” she asked, an eerie echo of a question she had asked before.

“Nothing. I’m not that kind of monster. Other than you yourself, it seems.”

Belle tried to smile the pain away. He was right, and it didn’t count that all she tried to do was to break a curse. He didn’t want her to break his curse the first time, why should it be any different now?

“So, tell me, Miss French”, he said, extending a cup of tea towards her and waiting for her to take it before he continued. “What is it that makes you act like that? What do you want of me?”

“And you couldn’t ask me that while I had my clothes on?”

“I could have. But I wanted to punish you a little. And I wanted to see you blush in case you’re lying.”

Well, the curse certainly had taken nothing away from his cruelty. But it hurt almost more to know that she loved him hopelessly, despite his cruelty. Despite the mask of coldness and anger. Underneath it was the man who was scared and hurt and had no idea what was happening. Sadly she couldn’t tell him what that was.

“You can also see me blush when I’m fully dressed.”

He scrunched up his nose and raised his eyebrows, and for a moment, he looked so much like Rumplestiltskin that it hurt. “I could, yes. But I like it better when I can see how far down that blush reaches.”

She straightened, unfolding her arms and squaring her shoulders. Belle felt much more naked that way, but she wanted to convince him as much as herself that she had nothing to hide. _Let him look right through your skin_ , she decided.

“I was afraid. I knew that I had done something to you, even though I have no idea how it happened that it turned out so wrong. I was sorry and scared, and I made a mistake and ran away, instead of facing the consequences.”

“What were you so afraid of? Afraid I could do something to you against your will?”

“You’re doing it now.” She met his eyes, and he snorted.

“Hardly. You could have walked out. I wouldn’t have made you stay. Even now, you could just stand up, dress, and go. I wouldn’t keep you here.”

He would always let her go. Even if all she wanted was for him to hold on to her. For once. She looked at him, noticed how hard he concentrated on her face. She wondered if he would even notice when she stripped completely, took off her underwear, because he tried so hard to keep his eyes from straying. In a fit of madness, she placed her cup of tea on the floor and slipped to the ground, on her knees in front of him, grasping his thighs and willing him to look at her.

“I was afraid of myself. I was afraid for my heart, because I hurt so much for you. This is…look at us. I’m a girl, too young and dependant to be anything else than a burden, and you…you are too old and too dangerous to be good for me. And yet I felt as if I was holding the power to crush you in my palm. I didn’t want that.” She spoke frantically, her words tumbling over her lips too fast and too raw to make sense, and he grabbed her wrists to push her away.

“Are you trying to tell me you fell in love with me? That’s ridiculous.”

Not even here he could believe that. And wasn’t it so much more likely that a girl fell in love with a man twenty years her senior, than with a glittery green, leather-clad monster? But it seemed as if the curse had taken Rumples self-doubt and –loathing and magnified it tenfold.

“Do you think I would let you do this to me if I didn’t love you?” She looked down her front, noticed the goose bumps on her skin, and the puckered tips of her breasts in her bra. It was cold, and the emotional strain she was in made it even colder.

“And when did that happen? When you fucked me on that cot? Or was it so good to have me on my knees that you decided then to fall in love with me? You’re mistaking lust for feelings, dear. You’re too young to know the difference.”

It hurt even more than the first time he cast her out. She knew that part of it had to be the curse, warping and twisting minds to destroy happiness, but knowing something in theory and feeling actual proof of it with her own heart were two different things. She rose to her feet then, and started to dress again. He watched her in silence, doing nothing to hold her back. For him, it had never been about getting her out of her clothes to get physical. It had been about humiliation. And she felt thoroughly humiliated, just as he had wanted her to feel. She didn’t love him less for it. It was not only her own hurt she felt, it was his as well.

“Am I allowed to come back?” she asked, when she was fully dressed again, and he looked at her as if she had lost her mind.

“Why would you even want to?”

“Because I still like you. And if you find something worth fighting for, you hold on to it.”

He snorted, and rose from his stool, stepping to her, so close she could feel his warmth radiating through his suit. “Don’t mistake me for something like that, pet. I’m not worth fighting for, and you will only burn yourself.”

She knew that already, had learnt a bitter lesson when she kissed him the first time, back in the Dark Castle. It didn’t keep her from kissing him again, now, raising to tiptoes and threading her fingers into his hair, pulling him down to meet her lips. He went stiff, stilled, and he didn’t close his eyes. Neither did she, waiting for the moment when he would recognize her, when he would recognize himself…but it didn’t come. When she drew back from their dry kiss, he was still Mr. Gold, and his curse was still unbroken. It meant that it wasn’t true love, and it meant another scar on her heart. One day, she would be just as calloused as he was, but this wasn’t the day. She was glad when the bell of his shop rang and announced a customer. When Mr. Gold stepped through the curtain, she used her moment alone to wipe the tears from her eyes. How was she supposed to break this curse when he didn’t love her?

“Mr. Glass”, she heard his voice. “How can I help you?”

Belle didn’t listen any longer. She slipped out the back door, shutting it as quiet as possible. Only when she rounded the building and saw Sidney Glass leaving the shop already, she realized that she, again, walked out on Rumplestiltskin. It seemed to be their destined fate, him letting her go, and she leaving him. Leaving him, always with the intention of coming back. And always, something happened, and intervened, and kept her from him.       


End file.
